You see what happens when I'm bored? I make crazy videos where Addison gets beaten up and has to resort to guns for safety. And has two daughters. You know, just because. There's definitely something wrong with me, but look, Addison with a gun! I got way too giddy about the ending.

Fuck. You. Youtube.

Josh is coming home in like twenty minutes. I haven't been able to sleep. There was no point really since I stayed up until 7 yesterday, there was no way I was going to be able to get enough sleep before I had to drag my ass out of bed to let him in anyway. I'm kind of happy to have my brother home in the, 'Well, I won't be alone which is probably good since it will force me to talk at least some during the day' and he can always make me laugh in a way that only brothers can. Oh and FOOD. It's been three months, I think, and I haven't had anything that didn't come from the microwave. I miss actual food. I am not going to miss the mess that comes with him though.

I do not want to go to a Wedding shower today, at all. I know that it's for one of my best friends, which I so should have had at least a few more years before ever having to say that, but I just do NOT want to be in a room with four people I know and her family. I don't know them. I am certain we've never even been in the same building and with all of my social issues lately, I don't think I can handle it. And the four people I know are going to hound me with annoying, "Are you okay?" questions and looks and I hate that more than I hate being in a room full of strangers. 

A Cooper/Charlotte video. They don't get enough love. And well, they're the only two that I'm usually not mad at (Addison, I'm looking at you!) when I watch the show.




And I'm really sucking at being an lj friend right now. I do read entries, I'm just horrible at commenting. I'm just in a bad place right now.

Alright, semi-positive me? Not working out so great. My sister is actually the biggest Bitch I've ever known and I have to say, I'm happy my mother is cutting her off on communication now because all she does is hurt her and she doesn't deserve it. To cement that, we totally packed up her cat who beat the shit out of me, put her on the porch and rang the doorbell. It was kind of exhilarating. We were supposed to watch the cat for a week 6 months ago and she would never take her back, this being the most annoying animal I've ever taken care of. So, before this happened, my mom's car completely died and she was only a minute away from my sister's, but of course, she or her husband couldn't be bothered to help. We're not worthy of their attention after all. My sister makes my mom feel so horribly beneath her, that it makes me want to hurt her, really hurt her.

Oh, and on top of the crappiest week I've had in a while, someone decided to steal our cable, which we didn't get back for four days. Four days feels long without internet, cable, and phone.

Positive, happy thoughts? I don't have cancer which is pretty damn awesome. I don't have to be closely monitored by doctors anymore, which is great because I really, really, really hate doctor's offices and the fact that it takes three separate people and over an hour of extra waiting(where I'm totally thinking I'm dying and they're trying to decide who gets to tell me) just to say that I'm okay. And my friend, who I've ignored for the past few weeks is kidnapping me for a random roadtrip today. We'll get lost in all of thirty minutes, but it will be fun.

I finally, FINALLY have my sister back. Not the shell of what once was my sister. Not the selfish, "all things unrelated to me are uninteresting and not worth my time" person that she's been for the last few years. I have *my* sister back. The one who cares about me, who does my hair and paints my fingernails and actually listens to my problems and watches crappy television with me and cares about people not involved in getting her drugs like you know, her own children. I am kind of ecstatic. She's even starting a real job tomorrow.
Thank you, Rehab. Fuck you, Drugs.

ETA: That post kind of makes me sound extremely selfish, only caring that she's okay for my benefit. I am thrilled for her kids and her husband. It's just, she was *the* person who noticed me, who took care of me, and then she just...didn't anymore. I stopped existing to her.

I've decided to stop being whiny and annoying and try out some positive thoughts once in a while. We'll see how this goes. Possibly the reason I don't post much on lj. If I'm not whining, well, what else am I going to write about. I got incredibly bored last night and made a new angsty, Addison video though.

A had an AMAZING night. Went to see David Cook at UGA and he was even more beautiful amazing than I thought. And I was actually pretty damn happy with the fact that Ryan Star opened for him because I made a video with one of his songs forever ago and no one I went with knew who he was. But yeah, David Cook! I loved him. And his songs actually sound better live, maybe simply because I was enthralled with looking at him. I was kind of surprised that he was still doing the show since last week there was a campus shooting...and well, his brother, but he was charming and funny and cute. And then I spent the night in the boys' dorm with my friends in their tiny as hell room and listened to the cooler idiotic boys make a Slip N Slide out of the hallway at 3 in the morning. Surprisingly, they got in all cleaned up in record time.

The only unfortunate thing was that I forgot my camera so I didn't get any pics of him!

Oh, and wow, I would be in killer shape if I lived on campus because damn, it's a long walk to everything.

Friendly note to self:

You can avoid looking like the world's most apathetic jackass by checking the instant message before hitting send.

P.S. You stopped praying a long time ago, but if there ever were a time to start, this would be it.

Please be okay. Please be okay. Please be okay. Please be okay. Please be okay. I love you.

I've been antisocial to the point of literally waiting out the friends that knocked on my door for well over 20 minutes. Pretty sure that's a sign of something being wrong, but I have to break out of it and take my nephews and niece to Alabama for a family thing today. I hate the lake, but maybe this will break the I hate people and please don't ask my anything that I can't answer with a simple yes/no answer thing I've had going on.

Why don't I ever get the awesome, cuddly, waking up smiling dreams? No, I'm always being either chased or attacked for various reasons although last night, totally one of the worst I've ever had. The fact that I could feel gunshots, feel my leg being hacked away with an axe, watch as these freaky ass men in white, happy masks used a butcher knife to hack into my thigh...It was horrible. I tasted blood and my back ached when I woke up. I fell asleep watching Jon & Kate Plus Eight, so where did it even come from!? So my totally awesome sleeping through the night thing ended because whenever I have nightmares, they pick up where they left off if I sleep again and it was one in the morning and there was no way I would put myself through that torture again.

Restful sleep, I miss you.

Two weeks into new medication and I'm not quite sure I can take anymore. If my stomach could stop aching for just a few minutes out of the day, I'd greatly appreciate it. It's gotten to the point where I've given up on food despite being starving all the time.

Oh, and I made an addek video. AU and pretty sad. Explores Addison leaving her son when Derek dies. I'm mean.

I honestly do not understand how I am functional at the moment. The last night of sleep I had was Tuesday. Since then I can sum up the hours I've slept on one hand.

I have PCOS. :\

In other news: Tylenol Pm succeed in putting me to sleep but don't keep me there.

I am screwing up my life. I get it. I feel like I'm not myself though, that it's not me who's completely failing. I feel like I'm watching some other idiotic person completely throwing away everything they've ever wanted in life. I feel like I can't stop it. I am completely aware of the fact that I might very well flunk all of my classes this semester and the only thing I'm upset with is my apathy towards the subject. Why don't I care more? Why don't I do something about it? I don't know. I just, I don't understand what's wrong with me. I'm not an idiot. I don't make bad grades. Honor student who always aced everything, who never even made a low B on anything and I feel like I'm drowning. And it's not like the classes are hard, they're not. I just, I don't know.

I can't sleep. I've tried. I keep trying and I walk around this exhausted zombie. And the only time that I can fall asleep is in the middle of the day and even then I can't sleep because of this fear of falling asleep and my mother walking in and screaming at me for sleeping the day away. I want a normal sleeping pattern again. I miss normal. I miss me-the funny, weird girl that gave a shit about school and life and her future and was able to sleep at night.

I've discovered that I must find some kind of satisfiction in fictional characters' misery, which has to be weird, right? I feel bad for poor Addison who I continuously put in horribly sad situations. And here's another one.